


Texts From Last Christmas

by phae



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Drunken Shenanigans, Getting Together, M/M, Matchmaking, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 04:26:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phae/pseuds/phae
Summary: (817): i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side





	Texts From Last Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Texts pulled from TFLN are attributed by area code with a link to the original post. :)

Christmas morning dawns bright and early, and Natasha wakes up to an absolute avalanche of text messages. One of the main culprits is, of course, a group message of people wishing each other  _ Happy Holidays!  _ on repeat, half the numbers not even programmed into her phone. She immediately puts that shit on lockdown by muting the entire conversation without paying it any further mind.

 

The second large slew of messages are all from Clint, which is also expected, and with a roll of her eyes, she scrolls past those to review in full once she’s seen to the rest because there’s no telling what that lovable idiot got himself into last night, especially if eggnog was involved.

 

The third largest chain, though, gives her pause. It’s a rambling string of messages from Phil, only odd and therefore noteworthy because he’s usually quite succinct and to-the-point, not to mention overly fond of punctuation. She taps into the conversation and scrolls back up to the start.

 

_ December 25th, 2017 at 1:09 AM _

 

_ Did Clint lose a bet to you or something????? _

 

_ He just showed up here out of the blue dressed up like santa claus and smelling strongly of rum _

 

_ So i let him in and went to get him some water and some advil _

 

_[(817)](http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-12181.html): i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side_

 

_ And he was holding a sprig of holly over his head??? _

 

_ Wtf???? how was i meant to respond to that? Is that the new planking? _

 

_ Or the new whatever-replaced-planking _

 

_ I asked him if he needed to borrow a pair of pants and then he ran out of here _

 

_ Have you heard anything from him? _

 

_ He’s not answering my calls _

 

_ Or texts _

 

_ nat? _

 

One finely manicured eyebrow arched in surprise, Natasha flicks over to Clint’s messages.

 

_ December 24th, 2017 at 9:25 PM _

 

_[(314)](http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-11223.html): i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating_

 

_ NOBODY’S OPEN *angry face emoji* _

 

_ Except for the bars and chinese places _

 

_ Guess ill just go drown my sorrows _

 

_ Mmm rum and lo mein _

 

_ December 24th, 2017 at 11:37 PM _

 

_[(619)](http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-23507.html): im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull._

 

_ December 25th, 2017 at 12:20 AM _

 

_ no worries with the bull! I got distracted on the way _

 

_ found phil’s place! So not lost now _

 

_ You think he’s awake there’s a light on? _

 

_ Imma go see if he’s awake _

 

_ If i’m carrying around the mistletoe and just hold it up when i wanna does it still count? _

 

_ Im asking cause i wanna go kiss phil _

 

With the kind of weighty sigh only the heavily aggrieved can properly manage, Natasha switches apps and calls Phil, bringing the phone up to her ear after a strategic flip of her hair.

 

Phil answers after three rings with a panicked, “Nat?” There’s Christmas carols playing in the background, a woman shouting at someone for sticking their fingers in the pudding, and the faint echo of children laughing nearby--he must already be at his parents’ then.

 

Clearing her throat pointedly, she says, “It wasn’t a bet. It wasn’t a joke. Clint’s just very bad at using his words, which is why I’m going to use them for him now because he’s clearly past the point of no return.”

 

“O-kay?”

 

“Phil, listen to me. Clint is just as cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs over you as you are over him. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

 

“Not really. Are you sure--”

 

“So this is what you’re going to do,” she cuts in quickly. “After you get done at your parents’ place, you’re going to go pick up a Digiorno at whatever unfortunate store is still open today. Then you’re going to go over to his apartment and knock out the tune to the Itsy Bitsy Spider. With me so far?”

 

“Pizza...Itsy Bitsy Spider…”

 

“Good. When he opens the door, hand him the pizza. Then while he’s distracted looking to see what toppings are on it, you’re going to pull him in and kiss him. And I mean really kiss the boy, Phil.” She raises a brow expectantly out of habit even though he can’t see her.

 

“...Yes, ma’am.”

 

“Fantastic. Now, when you pull back, he’s going to blurt out some version of ‘I love you.’ He will then try to make a joke that he was talking to the pizza. He will not be talking to the pizza.”

 

“He wouldn’t--”

 

“He very much will. After that, it’s up to you, but I suggest you invite yourself inside and see where the night takes you.”

 

“Sure, right.”

 

“This is the part where you say thank you, Phil.”

 

“Thank you?”

 

“You’re welcome. Merry Christmas.”

 

After a drawn out silence, Phil finally replies with a faint, “Uh, yeah. Merry Christmas to you too.” She hangs up and leaves Phil to his processing while she goes about starting her own holiday.

 

Natasha waits until closer to noon before calling Clint. He answers with a pathetically tragic moan, wailing, “Tasha? The hell’d I do last night?”

 

Bluetooth in her ear so she can talk and scoop out ice cream onto her half-baked cookie at the same time, she declares, “I already fixed it.”

 

“Seriously? You’re a fucking superhero, Tash.”

 

“I know. Now you’re going to show your unending gratitude by getting out of bed, drinking all the coffee that will fit in your sad little pot, shaving off that horribly patchy scruff that is  _ never  _ going to grow in, showering off all the booze stink from last night, and finally getting dressed. Wear that new sweater I got you, and  _ yes,  _ before you ask, it’s meant to be that tight. Oh, and the dark wash jeans.”

 

Clint sighs down the line, but she knows he’s sporting a lazy grin. “Anything else, master?”

 

“That’s it for now. Merry Christmas.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Tasha.”

 

“Oh, yes. And Clint? You’re welcome.”

 

“For wha--”

 

She ends the call before he’s done speaking, moves her bowl of gooey goodness to the couch, and settles in with  _ Love Actually  _ queued up on Netflix. Merry Christmas, indeed.

 

* * *

 

_ Clint Barf-face _

_ December 26th, 2017 at 2:10 PM _

 

_[(+44)](http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-45594.html): we should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown_

 

_ shit. sorry. wrong convo _

 

_ *knife emoji* _

 

_ *scared emoji* _

 

_ *angel face emoji* _

 

_ Thanks, btw. *kissy face emoji* _

 

_ You're welcome. _

 

_ This time. _

 

_ *devil face emoji* _


End file.
